When you’re preparing for your child’s first year of college, it’s helpful to be reminded of what matters most.
I’m writing this just a month after dropping off my oldest child at college. It’s hard to believe she actually moved out and is another step closer to total independence. (Well, mostly.)
You see, I was never the parent who pushed my kids towards the college path. I’ve encouraged all of them to think about the future and what they would like their adult lives to look like.
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We talked about entrepreneurship quite a bit, as well as utilizing local (mostly free) college classes and other opportunities while living at home.
Honestly, I wanted them to avoid college debt, college politics and the general craziness that can ensue in that environment.
So I’ll admit it was a little surprising when my daughter was offered a track/cross-country scholarship late last year- and almost immediately accepted it! In the end, we believe she made a great choice.
Now, preparing her for moving out and moving into college was another story. It was an event that I equally dreaded and looked forward to (for her), for nearly 9 months.
Here are some things I learned over the last year that might be helpful if you’re a mom preparing for your child to leave the nest and start their college education.
I’m focusing on the top three practical and relational do’s and don’ts that I hope will help you settle into what matters – and what doesn’t – as you prepare for this transition.
1. Don’t go into preparation overdrive.
Did you know colleges pretty much hate parents calling and asking a ton of questions? I remember feeling stressed when we got a letter from the school saying we would get a list of “dorm essentials”…four weeks before she was supposed to arrive.
Four weeks just didn’t seem adequate. How was I supposed to look for bedding bargains when I didn’t even know for sure if the beds are Twin XL? (Of course they’re Twin XL. Lol.)
Then I saw articles lamenting the current hovering status of college students’ parents and how it’s reached a fever pitch. Parents have created Facebook groups to discuss all their questions about their child’s particular college.
They’re demanding to know things like the specs of the shower and the desk dimensions, so they can buy the right sized shower caddies and drawer organizers. And the list goes on.
Some were even planning to stay overnight with their college student just to make sure they were settled and had everything they needed.
Yikes! After reading this, I knew my petty worries were really just that; petty. We needed to plan for the basics, and we could figure out the rest after she moved in. There are actually lots of places to buy things in every college town — who knew?
Not to mention, they really need less than you think to survive on their own. My college kid adjusted pretty quickly after we left, and she knows we’re only a phone call away when she has questions.
2. Don’t do all the preparation for them.
Beyond the dorm-shopping-frenzy, there’s the questions about forms (SO many forms) and financial aid and student IDs and meal plans and parking. I remember feeling pretty overwhelmed towards the end of the summer about all these details.
And then I realized, I was not really helping myself or my child by trying to micromanage these things.
So I gave my daughter a list of things she needed to do with the phone numbers she needed to call. And although I had to remind her, she did a pretty good job of getting her ducks in a row (even if some lined up at the last minute).
Parents: It’s good to let your child- who is now actually an adult- learn to adult. If they don’t fill out all the forms or do something just right, they can figure it out once they get to school. It’s their education and their responsibility.
The one exception might be the FAFSA form, because it’s basically a nightmare. But your kid should still be very involved in gathering information and initiating communication with the financial aid office (instead of you).
3. Do carve out time to spend with your (adult) child.
I always have lofty goals of working ahead on projects during the summer when I don’t have the daily demands of homeschooling the younger kids.
This summer, though, I felt the Holy Spirit tug that my plans needed to shift gears. I worked less than normal, instead of more. I spent less time in my garden than ever (the weeds will keep).
Instead, we spent time hanging out on the back porch. We talked about the future and ate a lot of ice cream. We took that last minute weekend trip.
I tried to cram in all the advice I could think of pertaining to life skills and friendships and time management, to name a few.
I knew the time was fleeting and I wanted to soak in every minute with my graduate. But most importantly, I wanted her to know she was important to me, and I wanted to invest my time in her, and in our relationship. Because that relationship was going to change and my role was going to change, too.
And honestly, I recognized that all the worries and fears I’ve had about sending her to college really, in part, hinge on the foundation that’s already been laid. It’s her turn to build upon that, and I’m confident she has the tools to build something beautiful.
Childhood is short, and parenting never ends (so I’m told). But these transitions are good and right- even if we’re never quite ready for them.
The preparation that matters most
Preparing to send your child to college is a huge event in any parent’s life. If you’re in this stage right now, I know how exciting AND overwhelming and scary it can be.
And when she starts packing those last bags the night before drop-off day, just know it might really hit you: this is real. They’re really leaving. All those little planning details didn’t really matter so much, after all.
What matters is making sure your kid knows they’re loved, and that they’ll always have a place to rest their head at night. That they’ll always have someone to listen to their crazy stories, share copious amounts of Mexican food with, and remind them of who God created them to be.
Letting go is hard, but holding them back would be a far greater tragedy.
To all the mamas watching their babies take flight: it really will be ok! Your prayers and your presence have prepared them in more ways than you can know.
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